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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24540598">Connor And The Big Cult</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd'>volunteerfd</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Succession (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cults, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 11:00:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,062</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24540598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/volunteerfd/pseuds/volunteerfd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom and Greg go on a mission to extract Connor from a cult. You know the one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Connor And The Big Cult</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>[INT. Kendall’s Car ]</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> [Kendall is driving.] </em>
</p><p>PHONE: Incoming call from Gerri.</p><p>GERRI <em>[speakerphone]</em>: Did you see the news?</p><p>KENDALL: What news? There's a lot of it.</p><p>GERRI: The news about Connor joining a cult.</p><p>KENDALL: Yeah, he always finds some new upstate bullshit. Last summer he wouldn’t stop playing those tambourines. He joins for like five minutes and jumps ship before the group suicide. Why’s it news?</p><p>GERRI: Because he joined the biggest, most notorious cult in the world.</p><p>KENDALL: He’s Mormon now? God, he’ll be insufferable.</p><p>GERRI: The other one.</p><p>KENDALL: Oh. Shit.</p><p>GERRI: Yep. They went on a full charm offense. Wined him and dined him, gave him very compelling treatment...</p><p>KENDALL: They <em> wanted </em>him?</p><p>GERRI: Yes, Kendall, who would think that a dwindling cult would target a desperate, gullible millionaire. It looks really fucking bad for the company. And who knows what secrets he’s telling them. That’s their whole thing, you know. Getting secrets. </p><p>KENDALL: So what do you want me to do?</p><p>GERRI: Talk to him. Talk him out of it. I need to know what he gave them in case it comes back to bite us legally. </p><p>KENDALL: Yeah. Sure. I’m on it.</p><p>
  <em> [The call ends.] </em>
</p><p>KENDALL: Call Willa.</p><p>WILLA: Hello?</p><p>KENDALL: Hey, Willa?</p><p>WILLA: Who is this?</p><p>KENDALL: Kendall? Kendall Roy?</p><p>WILLA: Oh. Um. Hi? </p><p>KENDALL: Heeey, how are you?</p><p>WILLA: I didn’t know you had my number. Is this about the cult?</p><p>
  <em> [Kendall pauses, contemplating lying.] </em>
</p><p>KENDALL: Yeah.</p><p>WILLA: I already tried talking to him.</p><p>KENDALL: And?</p><p>WILLA: He really likes it.</p><p>KENDALL: Of course he really likes it. It’s a cult, they brainwashed him to like it.</p><p>WILLA: I don’t think it’s that bad. I met some of the people, they’re really nice.</p><p>KENDALL: You won’t think they’re nice when they drain every dollar from his bank account.</p><p>WILLA: Are...are they going to do that?</p><p>KENDALL: Yeah, why else would anyone want him? No offense.</p><p>WILLA: OK, well, like I said, I already tried talking to him…And he seems really happy. I don't know if it's a good idea to--</p><p>KENDALL: Great. Thanks. </p><p>
  <em> [He ends the call.]  </em>
</p><p>KENDALL: Call Shiv.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>[INT. Waystar Offices]</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> [Roman sits at his desk,  playing a game on his phone. Shiv enters.] </em>
</p><p>SHIV: Connor joined a fucking cult.</p><p>ROMAN <em>[not looking up]</em>: So? He’s always joining fucking cults. Remember that spring when he was buried in a coffin of flowers for a “rebirthing” ceremony? Which one now? </p><p>SHIV: The big one.</p><p>ROMAN: Mormons?</p><p>
  <em> [Shiv tosses a newspaper on the desk. Roman glances up from his phone, sees the headline -- WAYSTAR ROYCULT: CONNOR CONNED BY SCIEN-CON-OLGY -- and begins reading.] </em>
</p><p>ROMAN: Ooooh shit. It’s the big big one. </p><p>SHIV: Apparently they went after him, sucked his dick, told him the kind of bullshit he loves. Aliens and past lives and all that shit. “Exclusive spiritual secrets.”</p><p>ROMAN: But don’t they usually target, like, celebrities? People that would look good for them? Not a flagrant tax evader and world-renowned piece of shit?</p><p>SHIV: There are fewer and fewer Tom Cruises to stroke. They’re getting what they can.</p><p>ROMAN: They’re scraping. </p><p>SHIV: Yeah, well, most people know what a sack of shit it is, so they have to go for the bottom of the barrel. </p><p>ROMAN: Dad is not gonna like this.</p><p>SHIV: I was kind of hoping we could get to Con before Dad does.</p><p>ROMAN: What, like, talk him out of a cult…?</p><p>SHIV: Yeah. People join cults when they feel unloved, when they think no one cares about them. So I was thinking maybe we could, you know, pretend to.</p><p>ROMAN: Yeeeuuch. Why don’t you handle it? I’m really not good at that stuff.</p><p>SHIV: Oh, and I am?</p><p>ROMAN: You fake it with Tom.</p><p>SHIV: Woah. Low blow.</p><p>ROMAN: What? I don’t mean orgasms, I mean emotional intimacy...Probably both, though.</p><p>SHIV: OK, first of all, I don’t fake emotional intimacy with Tom. That’s not even a component of our relationship.</p><p>ROMAN: You know what I mean. If he didn’t have you, he’d be at some cornfed Minnesota business retreat sex cult. </p><p>
  <em> [Shiv gets an idea.] </em>
</p><p>SHIV: I think you’re onto something.</p><p>ROMAN: Wh...what?</p><p>SHIV: I’ll ask Tom to do it. Imagine how meaningful it would be if someone outside the blood family reached out to Connor. Show him that we <em>all </em>care.</p><p>ROMAN: You just don’t want to do it.</p><p>SHIV: I really don’t.</p><p>ROMAN: How do you know Tom won’t get sucked in?</p><p><br/>
SHIV <em>[unsure]</em>: Uhh...Oh, he won’t…</p><p>ROMAN: It’s a risk you’re willing to take?</p><p>SHIV: I <em> really </em>don’t want to do it.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>[INT. Shiv and Tom’s Living Room]</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>[Shiv is sitting on the couch. Tom enters.]</em>
</p><p>TOM: Hey, honey. I heard about Connor. </p><p>SHIV: Yeah, it’s really rough.</p><p>TOM: Anything I can do? </p><p>SHIV: Well, actually…Can you talk to him? Maybe convince him to, I don’t know, get out of it?</p><p>
  <em> [Tom laughs, then realizes she’s not joking.] </em>
</p><p>TOM: Are you serious? Why me?</p><p>SHIV: Because you get along so well.</p><p>TOM: With <em> Connor? </em></p><p>SHIV: Yeah. He really admires you.</p><p>TOM: You’re bullshitting me.</p><p>SHIV: OK, I am, it’s just...It’s so difficult for me, you know? I feel so guilty, like maybe if I’d been nicer to him, been there for him more…</p><p>
  <em> [Tom looks at her, unwilling to call her bluff.] </em>
</p><p>SHIV: And my dad would think it’s really cool if you saved him.</p><p>TOM: Saved him. <em>[Tom nods, liking the sound of that.]</em> Saved him. OK. I’ll do it.</p><p>
  <em> [Shiv kisses him and stands up, about to head out the door.] </em>
</p><p>SHIV: Thank you!</p><p>TOM: You know, my uncle was in a cult once. He--</p><p>SHIV: Oh, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.</p><p>
  <em> [Shiv leaves.] </em>
</p><p>TOM: --died.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>[INT. Tom’s Room]</strong>
</p><p>
  <em> [Tom calls Greg.]  </em>
</p><p>TOM <em>[sing-song]</em>: I have a mission for you.</p><p>GREG: Oh?</p><p>TOM <em>[tantalizing]</em>: A top-secret, super-personal Roy Family Mission.</p><p>GREG: Cool. Sounds sexy.</p><p>TOM <em>[suddenly stern]</em>: Well, it’s not. It’s serious.</p><p>GREG: Ok.</p><p>TOM: People’s lives are at stake. I need to know that you’re going to treat this with the gravity it deserves.</p><p>GREG: I will. I mean, what is it?</p><p>TOM: As you may or may not know, the eldest Roy sibling has joined a cult.</p><p>GREG: Kendall joined a cult? Are you sure it’s not a 12-Step Program because those aren’t cults, man, they help a lot of people and--</p><p>TOM: No, not Kendall. Connor.</p><p>GREG: Oh. Yeah, I know, he tried to get me to join, but there was a $5,000 buy-in for all the leggings and I--</p><p>TOM: No, the big one.</p><p>GREG: Shit! Mormons?<br/>
<br/>
TOM: Damn it, Greg, not Mormons. The one HBO did a documentary about.</p><p>GREG: Ooooh. Oh, that’s bad.</p><p>TOM: Yeah, it’s bad. And we’re gonna talk him out of it.</p><p>GREG: Like, a family thing? An intervention?<br/>
<br/>
TOM: No, just you and me. We’re going to sit him down and unindoctrinate him.</p><p>GREG: OK. Um. How do we do that?</p><p>TOM: We just...convince him. </p><p>GREG: OK. Got it.</p><p>TOM: One thing, though: if this works, I get full credit.</p><p>GREG: Oh, OK...But if I, like, do something good, shouldn’t I get at least a little credit?</p><p><br/>
TOM: Good point, good point...Look at it this way: you wouldn’t have this opportunity if it weren’t for me, right?</p><p>GREG: Yeah, I guess…</p><p>TOM: You guess?</p><p>GREG: No, for sure, for sure.</p><p>TOM: OK. So I’m responsible for you even having the chance to do something good.</p><p>GREG: Yeah.</p><p>TOM: Which you haven’t even done yet, by the way. </p><p>GREG: Fair point to you, sir.</p><p>TOM: So I get full credit.</p><p>GREG: Can’t…can’t argue with that. But, um, one question. If you get credit for my good stuff, uh, what if I accidentally do say something wrong, do you also get the responsibility for that or...</p><p>TOM: Don't be a fuckhead.</p><p>
  <strong>[INT. Connor’s Hotel Room]</strong>
</p><p>CONNOR: Welcome! Sit down. To what do I owe the, uh, pleasure?</p><p>
  <em> [Greg and Tom sit, smiling pleasantly. Connor tends bar, making an agonizingly long and complicated cocktail throughout the entire thing] </em>
</p><p>GREG: We heard you joined a cult.</p><p>
  <em> [Tom cringes--already a bad start.] </em>
</p><p>CONNOR: Oh, and who told you that? The normies sheeples of the lamestream media?</p><p>TOM: Actually, your family. They’re very concerned. We were, uh, hoping to come to an agreement.</p><p>CONNOR: An agreement.</p><p>TOM: Yeah. </p><p>CONNOR: So you want me to give up my clarity of mind, my inner peace, the promise of my ascendance to a higher form of life that you can’t even begin to fathom with your tiny worm brains in exchange for--what? </p><p>GREG: We won’t throw you over a ship, haha.</p><p>
  <em> [Tom and Connor look at Greg.] </em>
</p><p>GREG: The documentary said they do that...They throw people over ships and then they hide all the evidence of...Oh, OK, nevermind.</p><p>CONNOR: We have a word for people like you. You know what we call you? Suppressive persons. It’s a slur. I’m calling you a slur right now. Because that’s what you are.</p><p>TOM: Come on. That’s not nice.</p><p>CONNOR: Nice? I’ll tell you what’s not nice: You’re so close-minded that you won’t even listen to the other side. </p><p>TOM: We’re not--we’re not closed-minded. T-tell him, Greg.</p><p>GREG: One time at his bachelor party he--</p><p>TOM: OK, nevermind. The point is, we’re very open-minded people.</p><p>CONNOR: Are you? Or do you just sit, slack-jawed, in front of whatever programming the liberal media elite Home Box Office wants you to see?</p><p>GREG: I read Reddit sometimes. They’ve also sad some bad stuff. Like, real bad.</p><p>CONNOR: Maybe you’re the ones in a cult. You ever think of that? Waiting on your knees to take orders from Big Daddy Logan.</p><p>GREG: Oh, ew, don’t call him that.</p><p>TOM: Well, first of all, Logan has nothing to do with this. Shiv asked me to, because she’s concerned. </p><p>CONNOR: Then why isn’t she here?</p><p>
  <em> [Long pause.] </em>
</p><p>CONNOR: See? Unquestioningly following orders, too afraid to hear another side…</p><p>
  <em> [Greg touches Tom’s arm and shakes his head slightly, telling him not to take the bait.] </em>
</p><p>TOM: I’m doing this because I...love my wife. And her family.</p><p>CONNOR: Do you, though? Or were you trained to view that as love--by the cult of society?</p><p>GREG: Wow. This is, uh, this is heavy stuff.</p><p>CONNOR: I didn’t actually know what love was until they taught me. Blew the whole thing wind open. About love, life, the alien inhabiting my body...Everything.</p><p>TOM: Um...what other things did they tell you about?</p><p>
  <em> [Greg punches Tom lightly on the arm.] </em>
</p><p>CONNOR: Nah. I don’t think you’re strong enough to hear it. </p><p>TOM: I am! I am strong enough!</p><p>GREG<span class="u">:</span> Dude!</p><p>TOM: Come on, tell me. I'm open-minded. I'm strong. I wanna hear it.</p><p>
  <em> [Connor finally pours the cocktail into three glasses and brings them to the table] </em>
</p><p>CONNOR: OK.</p><p>[<em>Several hours later[</em></p><p>TOM: Wow.</p><p>GREG: Oh boy.</p><p>TOM: It’s...a lot to think about.</p><p>GREG: I don't know. It still sounds like a cult to me.</p><p>TOM: Of course <em>you </em>would think that.</p><p>
  <em>[Connor and Tom exchange a shared eye-roll at Greg's expense. Connor's phone rings. He looks at who it is.]</em>
</p><p>CONNOR: Oh. Shit. H-hi, Dad.</p><p>[<em>Logan's voice blares over the phone so loudly that everyone can hear him, even when he's not on speaker]</em></p><p>LOGAN: ...THE HELL do you think you're doing? You're an embarrassment! You are to publicly denounce them, debrief Gerri on whatever mommy-daddy issues bullshit they extracted from you, and cut ties with them immediately. Or stay with them, see if I care, but you won't get a penny more from me and then we'll see how much they want you around. </p><p>CONNOR: OK, OK, heard you loud and clear, it was just a few--a few meetings--</p><p>LOGAN: Fuck off!</p><p>
  <em>[Logan hangs up. Connor puts down his phone and looks at Tom and Greg as if nothing happened.]</em>
</p><p>CONNOR: So I just received some information that, uh, actually calls into doubt everything I just told you.</p><p>
  <em>[Tom and Greg get up to leave.]</em>
</p><p>TOM: Wow! Thank Xenu--I mean, uh. That's a relief. Hey, uh, if Shiv asks, can you tell her we--er, I--was very convincing. Maybe that I, uh, "saved" you? Which essentially, I-</p><p>CONNOR: We'll talk details later.</p>
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